The GTA Library

CHAPTER FIVE

Missing Old Friends

I once had several friends and acquaintances while walking along the path of my life. And everytime, I always bump on people whom I afterwards get along with. I wanted you to know some of them, the people whom I once had several off-the-wall experiences. They are the ones who believed in me, after everybody started hating me for what I have become. These are the people I trusted with my life even before I ended up with my family in the community.

I remember the famous twin sisters, whom I get the chance to know and hang out with. They became my closest girlfriends in college and I consider them even up to this moment one of the ladies who were closest to my heart. They became my sisters and my friends at times when the people whom I thought were my friends started judging me for what I am. I thank the Lord for giving me not just one, but two of a kind who’s always there when you needed them most.

There was this friend of mine whom I always call the human airport because of his missing hairline. When I first saw him, I thought he was just some kind of a plain junkie, but he proved me wrong. He’s just a simple guy who loves rock and roll music and does comedy for fun. He makes me forget all my worries just by looking at his place. I considered him as a brother, that is why everytime I had the chance to go back to where we studied in college, I always try to call him or inform him that I’ll be coming, so that we could get along and hang out sometime.

When me and my brothers went to Germany, I met a certain person who opened my eyes in standing up for the call to vocations. At least, for me, he became my first inspiration and standing up and responding God’s call to priesthood. He is a brother who made me realize that living is not worth it if I wouldn’t offer myself to God. I thank Him for that.

Also in Germany, I met a lady, a short one to be exact, who always takes away my anxieties with her merry personality. She’ll definitely blow you away with her antics and her way of doing things. Although she is considered as one of the richest women in her place, she is definitely one of the most modest person I’ve ever met in my entire life. Simple and funny, this lady will definitely rock the house down.

While remembering these people, I then again recalled the catechisms that the apostle John always remembered, he said, "My dear people, since God has loved us so much, we too should love one another. No one has ever seen God, but as long as we love one another God will live in us because he lets us share his Spirit. We can know that we are living in him and he is living in us because he lets us share in his Spirit. - I John 4:11-13", truly the work of the Lord is very mysterious. He created love, showed it to us and gave it by giving His son, afterwards, he gave the people whom we bump onto while walking on the way and showered us love so that we too could give it back. It is truly a cycle of mystery.

To those whom I had the chance to get along with, thank you for giving life.

CHAPTER FOUR

Daydreamer

2:00 in the morning and I’m still up and awake, in front of my computer, and finishing some animations for our upcoming Christmas Pageant this December. I don’t know what’s with me that I find it so hard to go to sleep or even feel tired after almost 24 hours of non-stop typing and animating with only a few minutes of interval for breakfast, lunch and dinner breaks.

After four hours of doing animations, I then felt the call to write again. So it’s about 6:00 in the morning right now, and what I’m doing is writing another chapter in my second book. I just can’t stop right now since I’m pretty much having a very hard time with my thoughts. They say that the mind is the most creative part of our body and it can produce hundreds of images in just a second. And this is what I’m dealing right now. I’m a very creative person and my mind actually visualizes various images regarding my life, whether it is past, present, or even the future. In short, I’m imagining things again.

If you have read my first book entitled "The Whereabouts Of A Lost Soul", I have written there specifically in chapters 9-10, 14-16, and 19, about a lady whom I met, and eventually, fell in love with. I had several experiences of paranoia while contemplating if I am for priesthood or for the married life, and if I was for married life, I even thought of being with that lady for the rest of my life. I don’t know what it is but there are some things that you just can’t change in an instant. Some can’t be done in a blink of an eye. It is a gradual process. And this, I think, is what makes me awake right now. For even up to this moment, I still can’t stop thinking about her, and the butterflies in my stomach are still flaring inside me. And at some point in my life, I could still feel the urge to be with her, only to realize that I could be doing a very big mistake. I don’t know. I’m not really sure at all. All I know is what He gives me. And it’s bugging me no end.

I thought of lying my back for a few minutes just so I could have even a few minutes of rest. But everytime I do, I start imagining things again, and I can’t stop. It’s like some sort of gift, that my mind starts to visualize her beauty… her voice… her smile… her lips. Afterwards, I’ll open up my eyes, sit down, relax my back on our couch, and think of other things just so I could divert my creativity into something else. But then that’s when I start daydreaming. Once, I imagine myself lying on a grassy meadows, while looking at the clouds on the sky. Other times, I visualize the view on the beach while watching the sunset. Or, see myself on the top of a mountain looking down at the lights of the city, or the view of the lake. At these times, there I was, relaxing and feeling happy, not because of the beautiful atmosphere, but because all those times there was someone beside me, and it was her. And those scenes make me miss her even more, that it makes me want to call her, or even drop by or visit her maybe. But something is pulling me back and telling me not to do it. I don’t know what it is, and these things just happen so fast, that I never realized that it already happened.

It’s 8:00 right now and I’m starting to imagine myself with her again. Only this time, I remember the times when I was with her, from the first time that I laid my eyes on her 3 years ago, until the last time that I saw her in person, and that was a few months ago, when I attended the announcement in St. Francis Parish.

I just pray to God that He continue to give me the strength that I needed.

CHAPTER THREE
A Conversation With Him

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and after thinking of what had happened to me in the past few months, I decided to stop attending the meeting of the boys in the pre-formation, the young men who stood up after feeling the call to priesthood. I was so disturbed with what is happening to me lately that I thought of GIVING UP, and thought of having a different kind of life instead. I don’t know, maybe get into a relationship or something to that effect. This was what I thought of BEFORE I attended our echo convivence last November 2-5. But God is very mysterious. He works in mysterious ways, and everytime I have doubts, and kept asking myself about it, he kept answering me STRAIGHTFORWARD. Maybe that’s what I like most in scrutacios that I even do it at home. In my personal scrutinies, he kept answering back. And it’s something that I can hold on to while having my doubts in life.

Before we started having our personal scrutinies, I was having doubts already. So my scrutiny is actually a series of questions, of what I should do with my life, and answers came as fast as it could. I thought of sharing it to you since I am still overwhelmed with the result of my scrutiny that I can’t even explain what I am feeling.

When I asked God what should I do with my life, that I was deeply troubled that I don’t know what to do, even what to think, and told Him that I have doubts of going back to the pre-formation, He answered back, “If you have hope, this will make you cheerful. Do not give up if trials come; and keep on praying. - Romans 12:12”. I ask Him if I should still be in the pre-formation, if being a priest is what He wants for me, that this is not the life I asked for, He told me, “From Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus who has been called to be an apostle and specially chosen to preach the Good News. - Romans 1:1”. I told Him that I was very much afraid to be His apostle, that I don’t know if I could spread and preach His Word. At this point of our conversation, I felt the feeling of fearfulness, that I do not know how to do it, how I can be capable of doing such things, and how I can serve Him the way He wanted it to be, He then told me, “But get up and stand on your feet, for I have appeared to you for this reason: to appoint you as my servant and as a witness of this vision in which you have seen me, and of others in which I shall appear to you. I shall deliver you from the people and from the pagans, to whom I am sending you to open their eyes, so that they may turn from darkness to light, from the dominion of Satan to God, and receive, through faith in Me, forgiveness of their sins and a share in the inheritance of the sanctified. - Acts 26:16-18”. It was the answer that I was afraid to hear. Concrete and straightforward. At this point of His communication to me, I was very hesitant to stand up and deliver His news to His people, and was frightened to accept this appointment. He said in His last words, “’Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you came to birth, I consecrated you; I have appointed you as prophet to the nations.’ I said, ‘Ah, Lord Yahweh; look, I do not know how to speak; I am a child.’ ‘Go now to those whom I send you and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to protect you – It is Yahweh who speaks!’ - Jeremiah 1:5-8”. It was then that I told Him, “I am your servant. May You give me the courage and Spirit in doing the things that You want me to do.”. It was how our conversation ended.

After that, I was again blissful with what had transpired in our communication. I still thought of giving up. I did not thought of giving up my call for priesthood, instead, I thought of giving up myself to Him.

CHAPTER TWO
Tears Of Joy

While writing this second book, I was pretty much determined that I was ready to tell to the public about my endeavors, my past and present journeys. At first, that was what I thought of, until now.

I’ve been having difficulties writing my experiences this time though I just started. Beforehand, it was easy for me to tell to anybody what had happened to me in the past and I had no problem doing it. But then, when I started to realize almost everything, I got so afraid of what other people would think of me. I got conscious of the comments of those who don’t know me at all. I got afraid of what would happen to me if my former adversaries found out what I’ve been doing. I got so cognizant, that I thought of stopping writing these experiences after doing the first chapter. But did it stop me? If it did, then you wouldn’t be here reading the second chapter.

I was having problems with my parents for the last few months, especially my mother, and most of the time, it is what makes me awake even in the middle of the night. It bugs me to the end that I kept seeing her that way. It’s not that we’re fighting or anything like that. We never fight. I kept reminding her of things and most of the time I was the one who scolds her, but we never fight at all. She’s like my own girlfriend, and I treat her not just as my mother, but as a friend as well. You see, I have my personal definition of the word “friend”. For me, a friend is NOT your shoulder to cry on. He’s NOT the one whom you can call at times that you need a helping hand. He’s NOT someone whom you can count on everytime of your life. He’s NOT someone who will stay with you even though everybody else left you. No. That is DEFINITELY NOT my definition of the word “friend”. For me, a friend is the other way around. A friend is someone whom I can offer a shoulder to cry on if he needs it. He is someone who can call on ME at times he needs a helping hand. He is someone who can count on ME everytime of his life. And he’s definitely someone who I can stay with though everybody else left him. In short, a friend for me is someone who I can give my life, instead of taking his. At least that’s how I define the word “friend”.

My mother’s been having one of the greatest difficulties of her life right now. She’s been dealing with a sickness that kept going back and haunting her life for a couple of years now. It was just a few months ago that I found out that it was her burden for the last couple of years, and I thought we got rid of it a long time ago. It hurts me seeing her that way. She is a very strong person, and this health problem is making her weak, physically. Before, I got so mad at her, to both of my parents. I had this personal desire of having a baby sister, and I thought she was taking pills so that my dream would come to an end. But I was wrong. I misjudged my parents. She have some sort of abnormality in her reproductive system that was keeping her of having babies anymore. And we found out that it was the reason why her migraines never got any better. I felt so guilty that I did everything I could to make her feel so much better. At nights, I kept hearing her in pain, crying in agony, that I myself, end up crying. I didn’t know what to do. And I was asking God to take the pain away from her, let me suffer instead. For I would be willing to take it, instead of seeing her that way.

At this point of my life, I saw the person in me, helpless, lost and nowhere to be found. At these times I saw God in a person of a friend, of a brother in the community. I treated him and his girlfriend as my family, and I’ve been very open to him, more open that anybody else I know. He helped me in moving on with my life, he helped me in helping my mother, and he helped me saw God’s intervention and what does the Word say about the situation I am dealing on. I saw the Spirit in him, that I felt the feeling of felicity, bringing tears of joy to my eyes. This just proves that God still talks to us, he never fails. All we have to do is listen.

To my brother, I thank God for giving me a friend like you.

CHAPTER ONE

Dilemma

After writing "The Whereabouts Of A Lost Soul", my first book of experiences, I then started to feel awkward and uneasy with the succeeding events that happened afterwards. It seems that the ghost in me is already haunting my fears and continually seeking answers from questions that aroused after my past endeavor with the devil. I then began to fear everything around me, paranoia is my constant companion, and restlessness always consorted me.

Few years after I went back to the place that  I grew up, I already said to myself that I would never go back to the life that  I had a few years ago. I already nditioned my mind that I have to focus myself in the present time, so that the past will not haunt me anymore. I taught everything I did was going perfectly fine, until several occurrences in my life began to increase my paranoia even more.
It was only a few months ago when I received news from my friends of high places, the ones whom I hang out with while doing dire and dreadful actions to other people, about my closest friends in the group. It seems to me that after all we’ve been through, after deciding that we had to stop and begin a new life, the past would still continue to haunt us, and revenge is always the sweetest at times when you don’t want it anymore.

I found out that one of my friends was found dead and his perpetrators were never found. Nobody knew who did it or why it even happened. Another friend of mine got shot while walking somewhere in the city. He was not that badly wounded, though he became very much careful while going away from his home. Another one, also a friend whom I got very close while taking drugs and stuff, got his car’s windshield smashed while he is still inside using a steel baseball bat. His face would be so wrecked and blighted if he hadn’t cover it with his arms. It all happened in a single month, with only a few days interval on every situation.

Nobody knew who did it, or how it happened. But for us, we were pretty sure who did it and why did they do it. The style and the succession of events is very much familiar to us, and only a few people knew about it. The pattern that they used were somewhat what we usually do before. So we were already sure who would actually plan something like this. The only problem is we don’t know how it is possible, he’s been gone for quite some time now. It may be that he has his aperture, who have learned his techniques after a few years, and now doing his dirty work for him. Those were merely theories of what had transpired after me and my friends talked about the incident.

I know that after revealing all of this into public, my life would be in grave danger. It doesn’t matter anymore. Life is a big challenge, and if my time comes, then so be it. At least I have told the people about it and have blurted out the truth to them.

PROLOGUE

I’ve been writing about my personal experiences for quite some time now and I find it very much amusive on my part. It helps me relax, think back on what had happened to me, and reflect on my past mistakes in life. If you have read my first writing, "The Whereabouts Of A Lost Soul", I’ve written there in the epilogue that it’s not actually the end of the story, but merely a beginning of a new book in this journey called life. And for that, I’m very much delighted that I am about to write another part of my journey, and because it is still the life that I’ve been embarking on ever since I was conceived by my mother, I decided to write it as another story in my book. It is entitled "Wandering Nights".

Maybe some of you who have read my first writing would actually think why I gave it such a title. It is for you to find out. And I assure you, all you will read here are my personal experiences and not of the others.

I have acquired several comments and reactions from my first writing especially from those people whom thought they already know me. I tell you this: it was only a part of my life, my past, my previous jaunt and expedition while searching for my purpose in life. And though you have already read a part of me, that doesn’t mean that you actually know me already. They say that it takes a lifetime to know the person, and the people that would actually know me already are my family in the community, where I spend most of my time with. Even my high school friends don’t know me at all, and we’ve been hanging out for so many years right now. So by reading this writing, you can say that you have added another part of my life in your memory. That would be enough thanks for me. Maybe the reason why I like writing about my personal experiences so much is because I don’t want to be like the people whom after their deaths were forgotten and their memories remain in the air. It would be very much appreciated for my part if people remember my history, even if they will eventually forget my name, it doesn’t matter, for as long as my history remains, there would be people like me who can stand up and face the world with a smile on their faces, believing that God would still provide them the answers, He would still provide them the courage, and He would definitely give them the Spirit to take up their crosses and follow Him. This is what I want to leave the people who believed in me, for I have nothing to give them at all. Nothing.

May the Spirit of the Lord be with you always.

Shalom.

EPILOGUE

I’ve had the best and worst experiences in my entire life. I’ve been persecuted, humiliated, kicked out of the way, and condemned by those whom I offended. I have destroyed the lives of many and influenced other people to do the same as well. I was one of the worst scums of the universe and was even proud to be that way. I created scenarios which in turn made me into something most people don’t want to see and have gathered the likes of me to spread our evil into society. I had several fights with different types of people and was even proud enough to brag about it. I was the perfect epitome of evil and I admit that. I don’t want to hide it, I may not be the perfect man in th world but there’s one thing I realized, that God ALWAYS gives us second chances. And it’s even seventy times seven of second chances. Better than those whom you think would give you chances in your lives.

The best thing about my experiences was I learned something from it. That God loves us whatever situation we are into. He never fails to listen, and He sent His son here on earth not for the righteous, but for those sinners just like me. I am just like everybody else, a sinner who asks God for forgiveness and His Spirit so that I can continue to walk in His way.

These experiences are for those who felt uneasy, akward, or even think that they have the worst scenarios in their lives right now. Be not afraid, for God has prepared the way for you. He is the perfect guide and will lead you into walking in the right path. I do not ask you to be inspired with the experiences I had, nor to imitate me with what I have done in the past years of my life. I just wanted to show you how grateful I am that God is still here to listen, and he always gives me chances to redirect my path. It’s up to you if you want to discriminate me or judge me with what I wrote here. All I’m saying is that I thank the day that I realized what God gave me in my entire life. Just like what Agatha Christie said, "I like living. I may sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow. But through it all, I still know quite ceratinly that just to be alive is a grand thing." I thank God for giving me life. Where there is death, there is life. Where there is suffering, there is happiness.

This not the end of the story. This is actually the beginning. The start of a fresh day. I am still a sinner and I do not hide that fact. But I do not want to end up that way. I still ask God for His help, His guidance, His spirit, so that sometime in the future, when my time comes, I will be ready to serve Him the way He wanted it to be.

For those who believe in Him, continue believing, and pray that God gives you the Spirit to accept the situations you are into right now, whether it is good or bad, for when that time comes, you don’t have to doubt anymore you’ll just believe.

Be ready to believe again.

Shalom.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Holding To Emotions

This is another part of the story which was posted last November 28, 2005. I thought I had to include this since it was actually part of the story before I even put an end to it. So for those who have read it already, this is actually just a refresher.

Last Sunday, I attended the meeting of the boys in pre-formation at the Redemptorist Mater seminary together with the 33 other young men who felt the call for priesthood. We had our celebration of the Eucharist there with Michael Fox as our celebrant, an english priest, one of our formators, who loves folk, rock, and country music. The Word was actually something that consoled me a lot especially now in my present situation. God gave Michael the Spirit so that he could give us clearly what God wants to tell us, what His message is all about.

I actually felt a lot of consolation with the Word that I’ve heard. It was always as fresh as ever, how God reminds me to be vigilant, to be awake, and be prepared for the day of His coming. I’m so glad that I became a part of the community.

After the formation meeting, we went to Greenhills to eat dinner. We had some chicken at KFC’s. Everything was so great that we had so much fun while eating. After filling up, we went out to smoke a few sticks and decided to head for home. But just as we head out of the door, out of nowhere, I was shocked that I saw a face, a face that I was too scared to see, not because it was so scary, but because it was and will always be the most beautiful face that I’ve ever seen in my entire life. And I’m too scared to even look at it, for my eyes are not deserving enough to even take a glance of it.

The owner of the face is actually the woman that I first felt the feeling of intense.

Something that I’ve never felt in my entire life.

And I threw all that away.

All because I had to do what I had to do.

To respond to His call.

When I actually saw her, I felt like I want to touch her face… feel her rosy cheeks.. kiss her soft lips… embrace her tight and never let her go… it’s like the world is flashing right before my eyes… at that very moment… thinking back of what had happened in the past… remembering the days that I actually think of her… every minute… every second… every hour… everyday…

But all of that turns out to be what people usually call…

Fantasy.

I don’t know why and I don’t know how…

All I know is that it can’t be done.

It is not right anymore.

Everytime I see her, I feel the same way… the same feeling that I felt the very first time that I laid my eyes on her.

I felt butterflies in my stomach.

And even up to this very moment, I still feel the same way.

I still feel the butterflies flying around my stomach.

I just hope that God continue to give me the Spirit in the situation that I am into.

I let God do the rest.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Remembering The Days

I was listening to an old instrumental guitar music, "Man In The Mirror", performed by Tuck Andress as a tribute to Michael Jackson, a few days back, when I started to reminisce the good old days… well… they’re not really as good as it is…

Almost everybody knows about my history, the days when I was still an addict, a drug and arms dealer, all rolled into one. I never regret that these things had happened to me. They were my reminders. My inspiration. The thought of not going back to the dark ages is what makes me feel alive today. And those things are the ones that I contemplated a few days ago.

I then started asking myself…

"What happened?"

"Why did these things happened to me?"

I never came up with an answer.

But I got something even better.

The thought of it help me realized what I am today.

After realizing what I did before, contemplating with my sins, and helping the others like me to realize their own faults and failures, God gave me the Spirit to go on.

He gave me all the blessings I can ask.

A family.

Good friends.

Better realization of myself.

Contemplation of my sins.

A good job with good company.

And the grace of God.

I am now a warrior of my own kind…

In my own way…

By the Spirit of God.

A warrior for God…

And against sins.

And for that, I thank Him for everything. For this better life. He truly is a good Father.

Baruch atah Adonai, el Elohe Ysrael!

Evenu shalom alechem.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

I Stood Up!

This is actually the story on how I stood up for priesthood. It was posted last Sptember 04,2005, my birthday. I thought since it was part of my story, I should place it also in "The Whereabouts Of A Lost Soul". This is just a reminder for those who have read this part.

The experience in Germany was something to be treasured for the rest of my life! I never realized that it would be that fruitful… Everything turned out even more than I expected… God was so good… at the same time smart as well, that He gave me more than I asked of Him and it helped me realize what is it that I have to do with the life He gave to me.

I will never forget the experience in Dachau, wherein we saw posters and pictures of the people who were brutally murdered in the regime of Adolf Hitler. The agony these people had was actually felt by each and every one of us inside the museum and the gas chamber. It made us stop and think for a while… what would it be like if we were the one who where in these innocents’ shoes?

Also, the copular mission in Nuremberg was actually something that I will always remember. The testimonies of my fellow youths, their bravery, was actually an inspiration during our pilgrimage. Their life without God and how they managed to look for Him was something to ponder for a few seconds of my time.

I still remember the words that Pope Benedict XVI gave us: "observe signs…" Something that I never did when I had the chance.

There is a word that I kept hearing in my ears when we had the chance to meet Kiko, one of the pioneers of the Neo Catechumenal Way. "Couragio". Courage. Fear not. So when he invited those young men who felt that God is calling them for service, I didn’t know why but I actually stood up… and it was something that stunned some of the youth that we met.

A drug addict turned priest.

"Be not afraid.", the voice in my ears said. "Be not afraid with the discriminations, persecutions, rejections, worldly things."

Courage.

Fear not.

("Couragio! Fear not!" - Padre Paulino, Padre Santiago, and Kiko)